نظرخواهی در مورد متن ایمیل به استادان

[Apassenger]

سلام
من نامه ای برای یکی از اساتید نوشتم به شرح زیر:
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Dear Prof.MMMMM

I'm MMMMMMM, a graduate student of MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, Tehran, Iran ).

I am working on my thesis about MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, and I am due to defend it in the near future.

I've read a majority of your previous activities and your publications on MMMMMMMMMMMMMM like "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM" and "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM". Thus, I feel confident that joining as a PhD student to The University of Jena, under your supervision will help me achieve my objectives. I would appreciate it if you could kindly take a look at my CV(which is attached to this email in pdf format), and let me know if it could be acceptable to pursue my education towards PhD degree under your supervision.

Yours sincerely,

MMMMM

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الان قصد دارم همون نامه رو بفرستم با این تفاوت که دیگه اسم دانشگاه رو نمی خوام بیارم ، که اینطور تغییرش دادم :

Dear Prof.MMMMM
I'm MMMMMMM, a graduate student of MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, Tehran, Iran ).
I am working on my thesis about MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, and I am due to defend it in the near future.
I've read a majority of your previous activities and your publications on MMMMMMMMMMMMMM like "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM" and "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM". Thus, it would be my pleasure to continue my education to PhD under your supervision. I would appreciate it if you could kindly take a look at my CV(which is attached to this email in pdf format), and let me know if it could be acceptable to pursue my education towards PhD degree under your supervision.
Yours sincerely,
MMMM
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به نظرتون خوبه یا می شه بهترش کرد؟
می شه همون جمله هرو اینطور مطرح کنم؟
I feel confident that joining as a PhD student under your supervision will help me achieve my objectives
ممنون می شم راهنمایی کنید